


Spider met Fly

by amandaskankovich



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 06:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2763104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandaskankovich/pseuds/amandaskankovich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>12<br/>A baby on her knee</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spider met Fly

**Author's Note:**

> rape tw | domestic abuse tw | pedophilia tw

12  
A baby on her knee  
11  
You don’t mean for her to find out but she does and before you even have a second to swallow and see and feel it falling down into where the baby you’ve been hiding so carefully inside your stomach under layer after layer of clothes so much bigger than you she is grabbing you by the hair and shoving you out out out.  
Out of her house now.  
If she’d given you time to speak maybe you would have said, “Fuck you! I don’t want to be here anyway.”  
Or maybe if she’d noticed sooner and been someone completely different.  
Maybe if she’d pulled you towards her instead of shoving you out.  
Maybe you would have told her: How you’ve always hated being young and small and so easy to shove away.  
He pulled you close when you said, “I’m not a kid.”  
Now you had a time bomb kick, kick, kicking inside you.  
And nowhere to go but to him.

11  
He’s 19 and he looks at you and looks at you and looks looks looks.  
You think if he can see you across that 8 year gap you are special.  
Finally.  
32  
Your mother would ask you once why you always came back running.  
"If it’s really as bad as you say it is?"  
And you wonder, “Am I running?”  
Backwards or forwards you cannot feel your legs move.  
Your are glued stuck.

You have a jaw that clicks and a wrist that will never quite work the right way again.  
But you reach up and you shove a box of cereal into the cart and your daughter lets out a high pitched whining that you wish only dogs could hear but the whole store does and they look at you her face turning red because it’s the wrong kind.  
The poor kind.  
The taste getting caught in your throat kind.  
"It’s just as fucking good."  
You dig your fingers into her shoulder and you say, “Calm down. Now.”  
If you were a different mother maybe you’d touch her face say, “There, there.”  
Get all the kids into the car and drive and drive and drive.  
"Want to see Disneyland?" You might say.  
But you don’t even know what direction Disneyland is. If it’s in California or Florida.  
"It’s just as fucking good. Shut the fuck up and be glad you’re even eating."  
*  
25  
You are going to leave.  
You are going to.  
You think you could be something very close to brave.  
But he pins you down, grabs your throat.  
9 months later you hold this moment and you call it Michael.  
You rearrange what brave is inside your head.  
You decide love could be it.  
You’re tired always.  
You need something to cling on to.  
*  
35  
"Fuck what those fucking doctors say," he sits with you in the car after.  
Grabs your hand and squeezes it.  
"You’ll be fine."  
You need this to be true.  
Five tiny things grabbing at your legs.  
Always needing.  
Always.  
So you need this to be true.  
You need this to be true.  
So you know it won’t be.  
There is a car you think.  
You could grab all 5 kids and drive and drive.  
Maybe Florida. California. Somewhere, somewhere.  
But he grabs you by the wrist and pulls you in the house.  
You think:  
There is a time bomb tick, tick, ticking inside you.  
Nowhere to go.  
No way not to.  
*  
Because what do doctors know anyway the next day you are at the same store.  
Shoving a million different food stuffs you cannot afford (and so you do not pay) into the cart.  
You run with your daughter laughing in the cart and your sons chasing behind you.


End file.
